There is a distinction that i often make between the individual that we are and the individual that we pretend to be. While there is an argument to be made that the individual we pretend to be is contingent on we actually are, or that the individual we pretend to be is the individual we become, neither of those arguments negate the fact that there is a inherent difference between the two.
Thus we move on to the real discussion, discovering who we really are. Yes i realize the previous sentence was cliché, i meant it that way, for although it is generally a load of crap, that does not remove the validity of the question. Understanding yourself is something that is incredible difficult, because of the inherent inability of you to separate who you are as opposed to who you pretend to be or who you wish yourself to be. The only way that i can conceive is to observe yourself in extreme circumstances where your ability to think about your reactions is limited, daily routine is not indicative of natural character because it is designed to portray an image or to emphasize or deemphasize particular strengths or weaknesses. It is in the extremes that we can begin to determine what we are truly like, extreme comfort, discomfort are perfect examples. When we are extremely comfortable do we become gluttonous and do things we might regret or do we become generous and pull ourselves back from the brink. In extreme discomfort do we bemoan our fate and revel in the discomfort of others, or do we become industrious and good-natured. It is important to note that the examples given were extrapolations of seemingly minute thoughts and actions that occur in the heat of the moment.
However there is a key component to the discussion that is generally ignored when it is commonly discussed. The ability of rational action in opposition to this essential/natural character, it is possible for us to act contrary to our origional impulse. The interesting thing however is that this ability to act in opposition is something that is a essential characteristic that different individuals posess in differing amounts, i posess it to the point of ignoring the origional impulses completely and to not act on any extrapolation of emotions/feelings, others just enough when it counts, other not at all.
Thus in conclusion we can only truely understand ourself in moments where our ability to censor is absent and the ability to censor is something that is essential to consider as a characteristic.
Now here is the point that i start feeding my massive ego. My life is tightly compartmentalized, everyone that i know (with no exceptions) is aware of me only insofar as i let them. Which is why those of you that i know personally (those that i don't why you read this blog is beyond me but thank you) rarely know what is the catalyst for these posts. However if in finding blogs for those that i know i have discovered to an extent i had not before, that everyone struggles. Which is why i find myself to be so seperate, i have perfected being content, to the point that being sad or happy is almost an impossibility. My ability to ignore my feelings is both my greatest strength and my greatest weakness. While those of you i know may not know the catalyst for these posts, know that one exists and i do not ramble without reason.

And for those of you that actually read all of that, i had a drive today and this song popped on my ipod. While i don't particularly like it, it does have several redeeming aspects

Well i finally troubleshooted the problem that was not letting me post on this blog, and it looks like me and the operating system ubuntu are about to become very familiar.
I had a massively long post regarding something that has been on my mind today, but instead you get this.
One of my personal heroes is John Adams, someone who was unapologetically argumentative, had unquestionable integrity, and someone who was incapable of editing himself in writing or posing for posterity. His relationship with Abigal Adams is one of those stories that is not told often enough, yet when she died the only recorded words he said were "I wish i could lay down beside her and die too".   

Time heals all wounds, but occasionally it is time that caused the wound

i like to think that people are reasonable, that given the choice between an ideological stance and a actual solution, the solution will win. However this belief is becoming something that is more difficult to tolerate by the day. People are so attached to their opinion that there is a lack of acknowledgment in  not only the validity in the opinion itself, but in the fact that they have reasons they are that way. I have no problem with extreme positions, in fact i often assume extreme positions for the sake of argument, but what i do have a problem with is the discounting of extreme (or more realistically moderate) opinions without regard to the truth of any of the claims behind the opinion. Just because it is not your opinion does not make it untrue, or illogical.
If you know me (or you could probably discern from reading the style of this blog if you do not), then you know that i am an argumentative person, I love to debate people. This is redeeming for on key reason. If someone cannot defend their position from attack or disbelief then they should not have that opinion. However this is a flaw in other regards, 1. people discount what i say for the sole reason that i am saying that for the sake of argument, regardless of if that is true or i actually believe what i say, and 2. because it means that i am conflicted in all of my internal viewpoints. I actually believe, care for/about, trust, know, or understand very little. In this regard i follow descartes philosophy (articulated on his first meditations of philosophy), that is really only one thing that i know for a fact, I EXIST. This is evident for the fact that if my mind did not exist in some way then i would be incapable of coming to his conclusion, i think therefore i am (conginitus ergo sum). This inner conflict which works wonders for debate, allows me to maintain moderate positions, and argue with people over the simplest of things, is the one defining characteristic i have that i pride myself on, yet is also is the one thing that prevents me from having sympathy, empathy, major emotions, or any other aspect that makes humanity different from the things it creates. My point however for this paragraph has yet to be made, being that individuals must see the validity of points behind if not the opinion itself, debate both formal and informal is probably the best thing for this, being forced to adopt a position at the flip of a coin and then argue persuasively for that side is something that many individuals in the news, in seats of power, around us, perhaps even us, could use.
This phenomenon of polarized individuals, is not a modern phenomenon, the only reason it is prevalent today is the availability of inside information on those individuals. It is due to human nature that we wish to know truth, and for many the avenue to accomplish this is to ignore objective truth and accept your opinions as facts. The need for a logical defense is something that every individual's beliefs are due, even including religion.
Now that my rant on stupidity on the individuals that think it intelligence is over, i am going to get something to eat

I love Applebear, having been away from it for a year, i have just consumed 64ozs of goodness.
I have been doing a lot of thinking lately and this song keeps popping in my head 

 

Everything i say or do is a calculated gesture, there is a conscious decision for everything i do. That calculation is predicated on the possible reactions of those involved. Recently, people i know personally have been reading this, the problem with that is that eventually i will have to interact with you, and those interactions will be biased because of your reading this blog. That is why posts here are so hard to come by, i sit down and write four or five drafts before posting anything, i put less work into college essays. This is all because by your reading of this i will not be able to predict your reactions due to the fact that i am not around you when you are reading this. Thus if i know you i ask one simple thing of you, please do not react or think differently of me because of these (even if i know that is am impossibility)
I have come to the conclusion that i do the best thinking in three locations, my front porch, the shower, and when driving. Thus when you have one of those days where it is just after sunset, the radio is blasting, the window is down, it is neither to warm or to cold, you are driving familiar roads, and the world feels as near to perfect as i have seen it, i can get a lot of thinking done.  One thought is the above, just how great the world is at that moment, another is for the one aspect that is missing.
We are creatures of contradiction, we (or as a matter of semantics i should say I) revel in both silence and sound, or music. We love winners, but we also love the underdog, some thing that only exists because of having lost. Perhaps most distinctly, we love the serenity that comes from being alone yet also seek to be in the company of others. These are all actions that require us to want multiple things at the same time, for these impulses are inherently contradictory in their nature. This teaches us (or again semantically me) something important about the human condition, that our wants cannot be allowed to define our action, for our wants are all- encompassing. Because we want inherently contradictory things, there must be something that determines which of these"wants" will win in the battle to determine our actions. Of this principle that is the determining factor i have little knowledge and experience with, so i will leave alone. However the point i wish to make is two fold, 1. we are creatures of contradiction and thus are capable of wanting multiple things, 2. that something determines how we act that is independent of our wants.
Finally happiness is not predicated on the fulfillment of our wants because of principle 1. above, for if our wants are inherently contradictory than by accomplishing one we will have failed at another. Thus fulfillment of wants cannot be the prerequisite for happiness or the lack of that fulfillment the prerequisite for sadness, else we would never be happy or sad or happiness and sadness would coexist, which i posit they cannot. Therefore when seeking happiness one must look external to your wants at any particular time.
Don't you just hate people that make points after they say the word finally, i mean it defeats the purpose of saying finally if you continue after it. So, happiness being external to wants, is the point i was trying to make throughout this post, and i will end my discussion of it here. (For Now, insert diabolical laugh here) . Oh and the missing aspect of my drive was something that was one of the contradictions above

Apparently i have to be more careful about what i post here, because people do exactly as i mean them to.
Finals are almost over, the question now becomes what have i done or not done that i regret this previous year.
1. Waiting as long (and in many cases still waiting, mainly just to see if i can) as i did with regard to a 2 a.m. walk and Jan 5.
2. Not finishing Dragon Age in the past week
3. Not getting better at pool/water pong/racquetball than i am.
4. Not figuring out about the best root beer in the world, earlier
5. Doing ballroom at all, that was just a bad idea
However with that in mind here are the things that i have yet to decide if i will regret
1. covering myself in shaving cream sliding down old main and swimming in the fountain in the middle of campus
2. eating two habanero peppers without drinking anything for five bucks (although that did hurt coming out the next day)
3. eating a stick of butter, solely because i said i would (yeah that one is still inside me)
4. playing skyrim for 160 hrs.
5. listening for hrs on jan 5, taking a 3 hr walk that somehow ended up on the A on someones birthday (yes i managed to resist,barely)
6. Watching all 3 lord of the rings extended editions straight, twice
7. watching big bang theory for hours with my neighbor in our front room
8. Playing Mass Effect (all three of them) straight through
9. Sitting on our front porch and scaring all of the neighbors
10. Rolling through the snow in my underwear
11. Playing bad-mitten in the snow
12. sliding down old main in a trash bag, fake kissing someone on the A, playing football in the snow
13. Watching obscene amounts of television
14. Spending most weekends by myself